So.

Life is, in most aspects, wonderful.
I'm employed with a roof over my head,
I will be interning at an incredible restaurant soon,
and I'll be laying on the beaches in Orlando in a month..

I have:
a boyfriend who makes me feel in ways I never knew I could...
friends that are supportive through the good times and bad,
a family back home that has never stopped believing in me...

but sometimes...
(and I don't know why...)
...I still feel like this.



The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

fuck off.

You're my lobster. ♥

PostSecret speaks to me in ways I both love and despise.

Visiting home with Ryan was amazing, to say the least.
I want to climb the highest mountain and yell from it...
let the whole world know...I'm absolutely in love!!

I love this scene from from "Friends."

Phoebe: Hang in there, it's gonna happen.
Ross: What? Okay, now how do you know that?
Phoebe: Because she's your lobster.
Chandler: Oh, she's goin' somewhere.
Phoebe: Come on, you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what? You can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, you know, holding claws like...

And then later, when Rachel kisses Ross after seeing the Prom Video, Phoebe says "See, I told you he's your lobster."

I think...no...I know...
you're my lobster.

I am in such a good spot in my life right now.

I am taking this upcoming Spring quarter OFF
from school...yes...entirely OFF.
I'm surprised I'm okay with this decision,
but I need money...and a bit of a breather.

But not to worry...the following summer,
I am going on INTERNSHIP, finally!
Where at?
www.waverestaurant.com
under an amazing chef with some amazing staff and even more amazing food.
I cannot wait!

Not to keep going back to the love part of my life...
but I am just so content with how life is at the moment...
On Wednesday, it will have been five wonderful months...
Seems like the time has flown by like absolutely nothing.



Six months ago, I was miserable...
used,
broken.

And now?



This is true:



I jumped into the idea of an "us"
with walls that were slowly being knocked down...
and I can honestly say that today,
one would have a hard time seeing
that there ever were walls built up so high...

He could've broken my heart
or saved me...

He saved me.

He is the only one for me.
No matter how many miles from me he is,
I know he'll always be there for me.
He has it all.
I don't want anyone else cause there's no one better than him
& no one can make me feel the way he does.

♥ update

I'm sitting at the Oglive train station...
just waiting for my train to get here,
to take me to the suburbs...
then we're boarding a plane tomorrow...
to Minnesota.
I cannot wait!

Thought I'd pass the time by writing a bit,
updating...since I've forgotten to do that for
quite. a. while.

Life?

Life never ceases to surprise.
How shall I begin this update?

(You're jealous that you didn't think of this first.)

Boy.
Of course, starting with the main man in my life...
we're wonderful right now...
we had some major ups and downs in the past few weeks
but we're strong...we're tough and we're invincible.
I almost gave him up...
told him he would be happier single and free...
and what does he say?
"I'm sitting here with you, miserable, because I DO care. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be here, wanting to make this work. I don't want to just date you and move on...I want us to be together for a long time."
I must have done something right somewhere along the way...
to have someone like him in my life.
I love the little things he does to show he cares...
opening my car door (he's a true gentleman)
and randomly kissing the top of my head.
Maybe this is bold and a bit naive...
but right now...I can't imagine a life without him in it.

(This Sharpie was SO hard to get off...but who cares. I love him!)

School.
I am finally finished with the Winter quarter...
and now on Spring Break until I go on internship.
I received good grades this quarter...which I was pretty happy with,
considering I had some challenging courses this quarter.

Internship...oh internship.
I need one in a very bad way!
I am staging at WAVE and onesixtyblue when I return from MN
and am considering calling up BluPrint as well...
I know I want to do the restaurant industry...
now it's just a matter of solidifying plans.

It's kind of hard to believe that after internship,
I'll almost be done with my AAS degree...
but then it's two more years to acquire my BA.
Well worth the time though, wouldn't you agree?

(You crazies.)

Everything Else.

Top Chef Chicago is currently my new obsession.
Unfortunately, the chef from our school left last night...
:sigh:
All because of some blinis.
Go figure.

Friendships?
I feel so fortunate to have the ones I do...here and back home.
Those of you here that met me about a year ago...
it feels like so much longer.
I love my "big brothers" and I hope we never, ever lose touch.
After all, who is going to look out for me then?? :)

And those of you back home...
I apologize for doing such a lousy job of keeping in touch...
but you mean the world to me...
(Hi Maria!)

ciao.

♥

 That was how you knew love.
My mother had told me that.
All you had to do was imagine your life without the other person,
and if the thought alone made you shiver,
then you knew.

You want to know what makes me love you more than i loved him?
it's because when he got me, i was perfectly unused.
i was fearless, and a hopeless romantic.
when you got me i was bruised and battered.
i was afraid of the world and cynical about love. and yet,
You didn't leave.

I love this picture...
because it represents exactly what I need to start doing...
I thought I was trying to live like this...but not enough.

These past few days have been full of ups and downs...
but now I'm on an up and intend to stay like this!
I let my own insecurities bother me to the point of ruining something amazing...
NEVER again.

What he and I have...so few people have...
and those that do...are so lucky.
I love just laying with him...being silly...maybe not even talking
because even words aren't necessary when we're together.
Just being in eachother's presence is enough.




I'm looking forwards to Summer 2009!
This "brilliant" idea of a trip...
so needed!!

I'm forever grateful to my friends here...
they've only known me...less than a year
and yet have been there for me though those times
where everyone else seems to walk out.
Love you!!